mint tea & no sympathy

yes I really am off Elsewhere. If you are desperate to find out where email me.

She barely glanced back through the driving rain and onset of darkness, occasionally she should see the flickering of the light from a burning minibus. No dog walkers lurked on the links. She stood up on her sturdy but small legs and began to move forward - she didn't know where she was going but away.

"I have come to believe over and over again, that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.... My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you.... and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us. The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken." Audre Lorde (The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action).

I'll do a list of things that I will not be silent about - later.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog. Its time to shed some readers and move on and on....

I'm tired of censoring myself because I know who is reading this. Its a shame because I like the blog title but unless the person who I regret giving this url to stops reading I'll have to just stop posting here.

Mean while my life sucks as I can say in classic cockburn street parlance more than you can imagaine. And yes I feel very sorry for myself and no I DON'T want you to phone - if anything I'm leaving the phone go onto answerphone. Its the only way I can prevent having conversations about 'my mother is going to commit suicide' because honestly I think it would be GREAT if she did and save me a lot of time on the phone.* I'm having my annual Amnesty Card writing do tomorrow night but have to go to work at 9am tomorrow result I have to visit friend in Royal Ed** tonight come home clean flat then go to work go to supermarket and before the actual card writing deal with the most ANNOYING thing in the world for a hostess while you arrange stuff at the last minute - thousands of bloody phonecalls about 'what should I bring' 'I'm going to be late.' Belive me by 5.30pm tomorrow I won't care if you are being eaten by sharks in Sainsburys and that is preventing your appearance at my flat.

* You know something I don't care how this makes me look like. Have you any IDEA what being a good listener has cost me?

* *Edinburgh's local loony bin

As I go through my day I compose blog entries - but when I sit down at the computer I can't for the life of me remember what they were.

I've got a drinks party to go to this weekend and a film which must be a perfect combination of a large swathe of time to noodle about in and conuvial company. I'm having my annual Amnesty Greetings Card for Prisoners of Conscience next Friday so I also have to clear up the mess in the flat and get in supplies for the evening.

R came around last night after climbing we ordering in Indian takeaway and showed her the pockmarks from the Lodger From Hell's (C) dance in stilleto heels in the spare room thereby ruining my lovely stripped floors. She gave a whoop when I told her that LFH had gone.

I knitted a beanie from left over blanket wool - guessing the number of stitiches. The result was a sort of pixie cap for a midget. I'll send it to my other friend with baby.

Frosty Cold today but bright when I left the house. The Lodger from Hell(c) left on Tuesday as I came home and was unable to open door due to the key jamming it. She'd put it through the letter box. Was able to view in the cold light of day the damage she'd done to my lovely wooden floors. She appears to have been dancing in small circles in my spare bedroom with stiletto heels on - without resanding its unlikely ever to be repaired. Anyway when I left the house this morning and noticed that the cat flap door was missing I was quite happy to blame that on her. It wasn't lying around anywere ie where it could be picked up and fixed so I presume that she's thrown it away necessitating £50 + for me to repair it.

Grinding my teeth I went to the bus stop and saw Chavcat slink down the street in a suspicous manner - a woman tried to charm him but he slunk right past and turned into the colonies. Probably off to get second or third breakfast.

I got back to an email about a job I'd enquired to last night so quickly cobbled together a covering email last night, slept on it and then sent it off this morning. My Lodger Hell has made jobs even full time ones much more alluring.

Waiting bored at temp job for the phone to ring from the people...silence... so not likely that I'll get the call now.

~~~~~

Class is nearly finished yay! only 2 more sessions to go. Its been a long long slog as I've had one very blocked very arguementative student who I realise I've had to mentally gird my loins each time I go and teach.

I like a great website with links to do with St Andrews Day. I met a nursery nurse yesterday who was making Saltire flags with her wee ones who got bored with that started making their own designs with the names of their friends on them!

A saw a dear wee black & white cat in a window from the bus this morning. Its slightly misty today. I'm determined to go out at lunchtime I'm suffering from lack of light and feel very slow and hibernaty.

Happy St Andrews Day!

yay! the turbulent lodger is going to Oxford on thusday - shame not Canterbury...

"Studs doesn't drive, and never has," Wills points out. "He takes the bus everywhere and he talks to people on the bus. That's how he keeps in touch. He rang me once when he read something I had written, and said 'I really loved your column. I've just Xeroxed it and handed it out to the people on the bus this morning because I liked it so much.' He seems to know everyone and to talk to everyone. If you walk down the street with Studs in Chicago, people are always coming up to him and he's always spotting people he knows. And he just talks to them. It's what he does, and he'll never stop."

Good to see another advocate of public transport - from Guardian article about Studs Terkel.

Come from Gratitude
To be alive in this beautiful, self-organizing universe – to participate in the dance of life with senses to perceive it, lungs that breathe it, organs that draw nourishment from it – is a wonder beyond words. Gratitude for the gift of life is the primary wellspring of all religions, the hallmark of the mystic, the source of all true art. Furthermore, it is a privilege to be alive in this time when we can choose to take part in the self-healing of our world.
Don't be Afraid of the Dark
This is a dark time, filled with suffering and uncertainty. Like living cells in a larger body, it is natural that we feel the trauma of our world. So don't be afraid of the anguish you feel, or the anger or fear, for these responses arise from the depth of your caring and the truth of your interconnectedness with all beings. To suffer with is the literal meaning of compassion.
Dare to Vision
Out of this darkness a new world can arise, not to be constructed by our minds so much as to emerge from our dreams. Even though we cannot see clearly how it's going to turn out, we are still called to let the future into our imagination. We will never be able to build what we have not first cherished in our hearts.
Roll up your Sleeves
Many people don't get involved in the Great Turning because there are so many different issues, which seem to compete with each other. Shall I save the whales or help battered children? The truth is that all aspects of the current crisis reflect the same mistake, setting ourselves apart and using others for our gain. So to heal one aspect helps the others to heal as well. Just find what you love to work on and take joy in that. Never try to do it alone. Link up with others; you'll spark each others' ideas and sustain each others' energy.
Act your Age
Since every particle in your body goes back to the first flaring forth of space and time, you're really as old as the universe. So when you are lobbying at your congressperson's office, or visiting your local utility, or testifying at a hearing on nuclear waste, or standing up to protect an old grove of redwoods, you are doing that not out of some personal whim, but in the full authority of your 15 billions years.Come from Gratitude
To be alive in this beautiful, self-organizing universe – to participate in the dance of life with senses to perceive it, lungs that breathe it, organs that draw nourishment from it – is a wonder beyond words. Gratitude for the gift of life is the primary wellspring of all religions, the hallmark of the mystic, the source of all true art. Furthermore, it is a privilege to be alive in this time when we can choose to take part in the self-healing of our world.

Joanna Macy from Gratefulness

On retreat this weekend

Lodger has gone to the highlands with boyfriend. I'm praying for snow and that she be stuck in it for the next several weeks ( I did advise her to take a picnic with her incase you think I'm a complete bitch). But Her Actions Have Continued to Cause Me Anxiety and Distress. Especially when I open up the lid of the wheelie bin and spend time rescuing things and see that she's written in the reto notebook given to me by C last year with the cute little handwritten notes 'Mint Tea you are a good friend' etc I mean WOULD YOU PICK UP A NOTEBOOK LIKE THAT AND START SCRIBBLING IN IT?

Frankly my dear if a roaming big cat ate for for elevenses I'd find it so hard to squeeze out a tear the Leith Police would think I'd had a hand in it. Here kitty kitty kitty - nice Aussie to feed on ( bit of a lie not much flesh on her).

Hurrumph

So spending a lodgerfree weekend. So far listened to J Ross on Radio 2, spoken to friend A on the phone, flicked through Claudia Roden's Great Big Book of Jewish Cookery for a chicken recipie. But chickened out going to do a roast because so yummy. Its nearly dark, so plan is to put roast in go for a walk and it should be ready on my return on the other hand scrub walk and lounge of sofa has its attractions...

Went to see friend in Royal Ed yesterday (she's the third person I know in it) (not concurrently) most of Edinburgh's passed through there either as a patient or visitor. Pitch dark by the time I arrived. F quite articulate though obsessed with death (terrified of) aging ditto and at the same time wanting to die. Part of me can recognise the totally obsessive looped thinking patterns. We talked a bit about her desire to be attractive. She talked about this quite logically. Later D her boyfriend arrived and we moved to the lounge. D is sainted utterly sainted. F broke down crying and said she wanted to be put to sleep. I said that we couldn't afford it. Not joking at £150 for the putting down of his Hodgness.

D went to sit with F as she had dinner. It came around on a large heated trolly. I went off walking miles and miles it seemed along deserted corridors. My mother has several pictures in the hospital so I was able to reaquaint myslef with one of the Grassmarket there is also a very nice Morocco. There was also some kind of art project which was a collaboration between an aritist and some patients 'Our Hospital'. This and the pictures on the walls seem to me to be a continuation of the 19th centuary idea of uplift through art which is how the Whitechapel Gallery got sited in the East End of London - to uplift the working classes/feckless poor of Brick Lane. F said perceptively that it was 'a holding pen' and she's right all they do is give drugs because I interrogated her on what kind of treatment plan there was and there wasn't.

Left the hospital and hurried to Ster Centuary to meet people and see The Incredibles. Trying not to think about what I did and didn't not say to F and how that would affect her. A says there is nothing I can do...

The Black Watch will be removed from Falluja soon

Ha ! only joking but my MP wrote to me yesterday saying he's written to Jack Straw (puff of smoke - distinct flap of opera cape Maria Martin shrieks off stage) about my concerns. So PLEASE go to faxyourmp and find out who your MP is and write to them via the website or even better find out where and when you can vist them in person and keep hasseling them on this issue. We're being dragged into something which is increasing violence and making us less secure. You know that so DO something about it.

Good News:Barbara Ehrenreich won a $100,000 Puffin/Nation prize for her writing/activism on behalf of poor workers.

Bad News: None of the blogger tools seem to be working so I can't link.

This from Jonathan Cainer -
The third in this year's rare series of planetary pentagram patterns is about to form - heralding that a new phase of your life has just begun. During which you can expect the emphasis to be on, "the nature of a close relationship." You either want to build one, protect one - or repair one that is no longer in such great shape. Without doubt, this can happen. It probably, though, cannot happen as quickly as you want it to. Expect progress to come in fits and starts and expect setbacks, too. But trust, please, that the right sort of change is now coming about as fast as it can.

Goddess I hope so...

Sorry bad blogger

There was the cinematic Earthquake! and a personal Earthquake!

Thursday had rather a fun evening. Well downing a dubious free 'cocktail' at a networky thingy and enthusiasing someone about and idea I've got and doing a big wodge of work towards a creative project made me feel pretty cheerful. Get home 9pm check email. Phone rings ... someone I haven't heard from in about a year and a half. It turns out that they have been out of circulation due to being diagnosed with manic depression (amongst other things) Won't I go down and say with her in XXXX in England for a long weekend when she's finished the spare room? Why is it that people only contact me when they want support? I've got another friend currently in the Andrew Duncan Clinic in the Royal Ed. I d o n o t w a n t t o v i s i t h e r. I've run out of sympathy, I've run out of concern and I've just right out of care. (I know I know must change name of blog.) My friend R said that 'not wanting to sound judgemental' that I sounded judgemental and in that case ought not to visit.

In meanwhile am hoping that I don't return home to an email from the person in XXXX so I don't have to start making creative excuses.

Earthquake!
Sunday an utterly miserable day so lucky I'd arranged to meet K at the Cameo. As I arrived at the door a man in a hard hat was advising couples to marry before entering the cinema as they would be unlikely to survive the experience of the film Earthquake! (certainly Charlton Heston's wig would be dangerous to view). I found K quite quickly and she said earlier that they had been handing out last will and testements. (sorry I can't provide links linking ability seems to have gone today with blogger)

Inside the cinema we had a full 15 mins of warning 'don't sit in the first 3 rows' we huddled in the back row. Then the film started innocuously enough but when the storm drains of LA started to fill, or the dam about to burst the audience got pelted with water, when the fires broke out a smoke machine was crancked up and finally during the earthqake proper 'debris' was thrown at us. The actual earthquake has some kind of deep bass effect which you can feel through the floor. Quite bad - lots of terrible moments the poodle puppy plucked form the burning embers of LA for one. Victoria Principal with a very similar hair do...

After a quick loo break we went back to see 'The Day After Tomorrow' which is tremendous fun especially the bit when the dying climateologists in a Scottish Weather Centre use their last bottle of whisky to toast 'England' and all of South American debt is cancelled so the Mexicans will allow in the hordes of US refugees. I'll stock up on candles I think when next in Ikea.